hello!! it’s been a while since we’ve posted a blog entry!!
actually, we meant to post about amuse fes last month, but i ended up being so wiped out from everything that it’s still not up... I’m sorry!! I’ll share it in the next couple days, even though it’s late!! 😭😭
but while it’s fresh in my mind, i wanted to talk about my birthday live, which happened a couple days ago on the date of my actual birthday (1st feb)! what luck.
to be honest, i was feeling pretty anxious about this birthday live, for a couple of reasons....
1) this was our first event after a-muse fes, and i’d wondered and hoped if i’d been able to recharge enough to perform well, from my perspective. from the audience’s end, i was hoping amuse fes didn’t burn people out too much.
2) in a sense, with a birthday live being so self-centric, i feel like it’s easy to get caught up in the live being a reflection of yourself and how others see you. to be honest, i feel like i intrude a lot, am standoffish and struggle to interact with people at shows, so i kept worrying no one would show up because no one liked me.... even so i tried tucking it away into the back of my mind, because I didn‘t want that feeling to impact or take over my enjoyment of the night. besides, when i’m in organiser mode and running around putting the event together, it feels easy to shove feelings away.
...in the end, though, i felt like i didn’t have to worry about that too much, because i was so genuinely touched by everyone’s efforts at the live.
where do i start? the flower stand, I suppose. i knew something was up when rinya told me to come check the aircon, but when they opened the doors, it was really the last thing i was expecting...
for those who don’t know, flowerstands are a common occurrence at idol lives in japan, particularly for important events like big shows or birthday events. they’re usually rather detailed, very showy and pretty, and usually very expensive because of the effort that goes into them. explaining them to an australian florist is usually difficult as it’s not commonplace here.
...so, for you all to arrange one yourselves?! i think if i was alone i might have cried of happiness, but i genuinely didn’t know how to react because i was so surprised. I always thought, “one day i’d like to have a flowerstand for amuse, but i guess here that’s too difficult...” so to see one personally addressed to me so soon really made me feel some kind of way (as the kids say). in that split second, looking at this physical manifestation of... care? from others, i felt my worries melt away in an instant. it was the pacifier i really needed before the event.
but enough of that, i want to share pictures of it! because everyone did such a good job!
the flower arrangement was so big and beautiful, the heart balloons were super cute, and all of the cinnamons were such a perfect touch.... 🥺 I kept cupping cinnamon’s face like a baby because i was so enamored with it hahah. with all the effort put in to the stand i wish i could have immortalized it forever and taken it home in its entirety but that wasn’t possible... so i made sure to take photos of it so i wouldn’t forget it. to some people a flower stand might not be that significant, but i really felt the love that went into it, so i wanted to appreciate it forever. ah i’m tearing up again....
so let’s move on to a more cheerful note! here’s the birthday live setlist ✨
1. BRAND NEW PARADE - Gang Parade
2. My Life - CY8ER
3. Realize! - iRis
4. Luka Luka Night Fever - samfree
5. PSYCHIC FIRE - BiBi
6. Fukyouwaon - Keyakizaka46
7. My landscape - BiSH
8. Family name - ZOC
9. Taisho wo Idake! Galbi Ambitious - Wa-suta
10. OIDEMASE!! -Gokuraku- - FES⭐️TIVE
11. Koi-iro💗Shikou Kairou - Luce Twinkle Wink
EN1. Yo Quiero Vivir - Wa-suta
EN2. Go-shu-! - CY8ER
the luce twinkle wink song was my new group song of choice for the live! ☺️ some of you may know i really like luce for their dancing skills and, controversially, their music (I think it’s cute and fun! it’s not boring!!). while we’re no luce, this is their “signature song” and I think it’s super cute and energetic so i was really happy we got to do it!
next i’ll segway into my costume! you can see it in the photos above, but have a couple more. じゃーん〜
first of all, i wanted to point out the ribbon hair arrangement!! i’ve always wanted to try this so i’m happy it worked out this time. thank you sean for styling my hair super cute 🥰
as for the costume, i wanted something that was cute but still a little cool and sexy in feel... i’ve always really liked lace-up + ribbon motifs, and i’ve always really liked the specific combo of black sheer fabric with pastel pinks and purples, so i decided to combine them! the chest bow design with folded tails is also adapted from one of my favourite ucchi costumes ✨ the construction isn’t super amazing because I just made it in a day with fabric i already owned (CNY killed my chances of ordering fabric in specially...) but i think I’m satisfied with the design in the end! i hope people liked it ☺️
also, as you can see in the photo above, i incorporated cinnamon into the stage a bit! if you were there for the live you would have heard the pretty amusing story of luvkii trying to frankenstein him together, which i’m actually very grateful for. it added an extra touch!!
on the note of cinnamon, kind of, i also want to thank everyone for their kind gifts and letters, both from the other members, fans and friends. i got spoiled with so many bunny and cinnamon goods, and i read the card and everyone’s letters very carefully after the show 💜 it made me feel really grateful that people went out of their way for me.
BTW, i’m going to take this time to remind everyone that cinnamon isn’t a bunny but is a long eared wonder pup 😌 it just so happens that he looks like an adorable rabbit!
as we wrap up this blog post, i want to reflect on a couple things after reading everyone’s letters, comments, well wishes etc... as i mentioned before, i worry that some don’t like me because, frankly, i think when i enter leader/show mode i tend to turn off my feelings and focus on running the show, and as a result it becomes difficult to converse and connect with people as well... i also question often whether my efforts are enough and if i could be doing more. i love idols so much and i’m so happy to see it survive here, and i’ll always do everything i can to make sure it stays that way.
in a sense that’s guided by my own self-interest of just loving idols and wanting (myself and others) to see more of them, but reading everyone’s messages last night made me sit and think a lot about the presence of idols on everyone’s lives. to know that in some way my attempts to shove idols in people’s faces has led to positive change or good in their lives was very humbling. it makes me feel that the time spent, the effort, the times where i want to give up are all worth it if it can make people happy. at the end of the day that’s what i want more than anything, because that’s the high that’s inspired me to chase more in my own life. i’d be happy if others can come to understand that feeling too.
in the end, i want to become better as an idol — i want to perform better, i want to interact with people better, i want to be more likeable... so the next time an opportunity like this comes around, i can see more people there! but even in saying that, i was more than overwhelmed by everyone’s love that night, even from some who couldn’t make it to the event. in the absence of some call leaders, too, thank you for giving the calls your best shot!! it’s a learning experience, but hearing any form of chanting is always a boost even if you’re feeling unsure ☺️
next week is the pulsar anniversary live, and we also announced kate’s birthday live in march, both of which i’m excited for! i hope i can see you there!
and, finally, i hope i can keep working hard to become a better idol 💜
thank you! 💜💜💜💜💜💜